Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Fun things I'd do if I was boss....

My designation at my workplace reads "Member, Technical Staff". In the hierarchy of workplace designations, it is only just higher than "Intern" and "Coffee-machine-attender-dude"... I'm really not totally sure whether "Coffee-dude" is really lower in the workplace hierarchy than me, but it would be incredibly damaging to my self-esteem if I were to uncover evidence to the contrary. Hence my beliefs and assumptions... Anyways, whatever my designation is, it most definitely isn't "Boss". What that means is that I don't have any underlings, which is really quite sad because I have a whole host of ideas which I could implement as boss to make life exciting for both me and my underlings... Well, I may not be boss, but as "Member, Technical Staff" I still have the right to dream (at lest I think I do..). So, if I were boss, here's how things would be:

a) First things first.... the first thing I'd do as a boss would be invent some kind of a welcome anthem that my underlings would sing when I got to work in the mornings. It would sound something like..

Underlings: All hail Pushkar.... the wisest, kindest and smartest being that ever walked the planet... Master and Supreme overlord of the cubicles [cubicle numbers of underlings inserted here]... Protector of the meek and dispenser of justice.We submit to your awesome power and pledge total and undivided allegiance to your mightiness.
Me: [after surveying the scene solemnly for a moment...] Who da man?
Underlings: You da man....
Me: Correct....

b) There would be a custom designed elevated chair that I'd occupy during team meetings. This would give the team meeting the look and feel of the court of a monarch (which would, in case you haven't quite grasped that already, be me). For good measure, I'd ascend the throne wearing my bike helmet and carrying a borrowed umbrella, which would act as crown and scepter respectively. The meeting would commence once I had ascended my throne. I'd then point the scepter in the general direction of the underling that I wished to get a status report from. When I wished for the person who was talking to stop talking, I'd point the scepter skywards. And if I didn't like what I'd just heard, I'd simply point the scepter to the door... and that would be the signal that the offender make himself scarce and crawl back into the crummy cubicle whence he came from...

c) I'd make it a point to include buzzwords in my conversations with underlings that I knew hated management buzzwords..... just to get a kick out of watching them get red in the face and nod pleasantly when all they really wanted to do was throttle me to the world beyond..

Me
: We must attempt to augment our revenues by leveraging our partners to streamline our offerings so they seamlessly integrate with products from heterogeneous sources.
Underling: Huh!!
Me: This would only be possible if our disparate business units synergistically collaborated towards a shared vision aimed at forwarding common business objectives.
Underling: (foaming at the mouth following this barrage of buzzwords..)
Me: hmm.. this coffee is really good...
Underling: (unable to absorb this debilitating context switch, falls to the floor senseless...)
Me: Coffee-dude.... Could you mobilize the resources necessary to facilitate the transportation of my underling to a medical facility in the proximity of this establishment?
Coffee-dude: (falls to the floor senseless...)
Me: uh-oh...

There's a whole host of things I'd like to do as boss, but I guess now would be a good time to stop given that I'm at my workplace and beginning to get a little carried away. Accidentally doing something boss-like right now could be extremely injurious to my career prospects and do my chances of ever becoming boss some serious damage. So, I'll stop now, but one day I will be boss... and then... hehahahaha... until later.. cheers.. 8-)

7 Comments:

At 6:30 AM , Blogger Guruprasad Kini (Guru) said...

LOL! Hilarious, dude. :)
Man, I think you have sinned enough in life. Bosses suck (or we suck up to them), office-life sucks, cubicles suck, reports suck, work sucks; and since there seems to be nothing more to (my) life - life sucks too. Q.E.D.

 
At 7:45 PM , Blogger Pushuka said...

Guru, your views on cubicle life reflect my very own views on the subject. It's my firm belief that God did not intend man to sit in a small cube staring at a bright monitor 8 hours a day. Hence my strong desire to become boss. Then I could force my underlings to sit in small cubes and stare at bright monitors 8 hours a day.. :)

 
At 9:09 AM , Blogger the Monk said...

very nice....some suggestions: if I were you, instead of pointing the chatri-cum-scepter at the door, i would merely hit the underling over the head...of course, you would soon be minus an underling, but the process would be so much more entertaining...u can encourage ur employess to place bets on who would get hit in that meeting...
also, the coffee is really good?shouldn't that be this beverage has performed both its functions of pleasurable stimulation of the taste buds as well as the psyche commendably?

 
At 4:03 AM , Blogger Pushuka said...

Ya... I guess hitting a random underling with the scepter in the midst of a meeting would make the meetings infinitely more entertaining for me and infinitely more painful for the underling being hit.. I love the idea... and if I really, really didn't like an underling, I would use your description of the coffee.. so the underling would asphyxiate as he fell on the floor senseless...

 
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