Fun things I'd do if I was boss....

My designation at my workplace reads "Member, Technical Staff". In the hierarchy of workplace designations, it is only just higher than "Intern" and "Coffee-machine-attender-dude"... I'm really not totally sure whether "Coffee-dude" is really lower in the workplace hierarchy than me, but it would be incredibly damaging to my self-esteem if I were to uncover evidence to the contrary. Hence my beliefs and assumptions... Anyways, whatever my designation is, it most definitely isn't "Boss". What that means is that I don't have any underlings, which is really quite sad because I have a whole host of ideas which I could implement as boss to make life exciting for both me and my underlings... Well, I may not be boss, but as "Member, Technical Staff" I still have the right to dream (at lest I think I do..). So, if I were boss, here's how things would be:

a) First things first.... the first thing I'd do as a boss would be invent some kind of a welcome anthem that my underlings would sing when I got to work in the mornings. It would sound something like..

Underlings: All hail Pushkar.... the wisest, kindest and smartest being that ever walked the planet... Master and Supreme overlord of the cubicles [cubicle numbers of underlings inserted here]... Protector of the meek and dispenser of justice.We submit to your awesome power and pledge total and undivided allegiance to your mightiness.
Me: [after surveying the scene solemnly for a moment...] Who da man?
Underlings: You da man....
Me: Correct....

b) There would be a custom designed elevated chair that I'd occupy during team meetings. This would give the team meeting the look and feel of the court of a monarch (which would, in case you haven't quite grasped that already, be me). For good measure, I'd ascend the throne wearing my bike helmet and carrying a borrowed umbrella, which would act as crown and scepter respectively. The meeting would commence once I had ascended my throne. I'd then point the scepter in the general direction of the underling that I wished to get a status report from. When I wished for the person who was talking to stop talking, I'd point the scepter skywards. And if I didn't like what I'd just heard, I'd simply point the scepter to the door... and that would be the signal that the offender make himself scarce and crawl back into the crummy cubicle whence he came from...

c) I'd make it a point to include buzzwords in my conversations with underlings that I knew hated management buzzwords..... just to get a kick out of watching them get red in the face and nod pleasantly when all they really wanted to do was throttle me to the world beyond..

Me: We must attempt to augment our revenues by leveraging our partners to streamline our offerings so they seamlessly integrate with products from heterogeneous sources.
Underling: Huh!!
Me: This would only be possible if our disparate business units synergistically collaborated towards a shared vision aimed at forwarding common business objectives.
Underling: (foaming at the mouth following this barrage of buzzwords..)
Me: hmm.. this coffee is really good...
Underling: (unable to absorb this debilitating context switch, falls to the floor senseless...)
Me: Coffee-dude.... Could you mobilize the resources necessary to facilitate the transportation of my underling to a medical facility in the proximity of this establishment?
Coffee-dude: (falls to the floor senseless...)
Me: uh-oh...

There's a whole host of things I'd like to do as boss, but I guess now would be a good time to stop given that I'm at my workplace and beginning to get a little carried away. Accidentally doing something boss-like right now could be extremely injurious to my career prospects and do my chances of ever becoming boss some serious damage. So, I'll stop now, but one day I will be boss... and then... hehahahaha... until later.. cheers.. 8-)