And the award goes to.....

I'm an avid movie watcher. I probably don't go to the movies as often as I'd like to but the magic of cable TV more than makes up for that little aberration. Now, I'm the kind of audience that movie directors' dreams are made of: undiscerning, not seeking any kind of intellectual stimulation through the medium and generally regaled by any drivel the directors may be trying to pass off as legitimate entertainment. In fact, I might go so far as to say that there is about as much chance of me hating a movie as there is of a straight guy (any guy, for that matter) not finding Angelina Jolie eminently desirable... yummmm... If every movie watcher in the world shared my sophisticated taste in movies every movie producer would be a billionaire, every director would be an Oscar winner and every movie would be a box-office block buster. Well... make that "almost every movie" because, believe it or not, there are movies which even I found intolerable!!! I know you are too shocked for words by the revelation, but trust me it is true. The rest of this narrative is dedicated to this select and very exclusive collection of movies that I hated despite myself....

a) "Dude, where's my car?" (2000)
- Cast: Ashton Kutcher, Seann William Scott (SWS) etc.
- Director: Danny Leiner

I'm a big fan of stoner and/or slacker comedy flicks and a bigger fan of SWS. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to put two and two together and come to the conclusion that this movie had all the markings of being a big winner with me. But even a rocket scientist couldn't have predicted that I would come to hate the movie with every fiber of my being. So, what went wrong? My guess.. the director made the movie and then realized he forgot to add the plot. Then he thought, "Whoa dude!! I totally forgot to add the plot... Hey, maybe the audience will be as smoked up as I am and not notice the missing plot... Awesome!!!!...". Guess what Einstein, I did notice. My only question to the director, "Dude, what kind of manure were you high on when you made this movie?"

Note 1: IMDB classifies this "movie" as Comedy/Sci-fi. Dudes, you got be kidding...

Note 2: Director Denny Leiner did redeem himself somewhat with "Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle", a most excellent and eminently entertaining movie. Obviously, the dude was high on some really high quality stuff when he made this movie.


b) The General's Daughter (1999)
- Cast: John Travolta, Madeleine Stowe
- Director: Simon West

Occasionally, just to assure myself that I haven't totally lost it, I put in Herculean effort and take a stab at watching what the "discerning audience" likes to call "intellectually stimulating fare". It was in just such a context that I watched "The General's Daughter", supposedly a murder-mystery. To me, there's nothing more infuriating than a director trying to pass off a pile of horse-shit as "an intelligent whodunit" and this scam of a movie was precisely that!! In my humble opinion, such directors should be force-fed some of the aforementioned equine u-know-what so they know exactly how the audience feels like after it's seen such movies.


c) Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001)
- Cast : Angelina Jolie... yummmmm...
- Director : who cares (OK, not that I care but surprise, surprise, it's our man Simon West again.... Man, how does he manage it!!!)

Before I start on this one, let me clarify on what appears to be a very obvious contradiction, viz. a movie featuring Jolie babe ending up in this list of infamy. Clarification: Angelina Jolie in the movie and as Lara Croft..... Awesome!!!! The movie itself... who cares. Which is exactly my point. With the movie featuring Angelina Jolie, there was almost no chance that I would be indifferent to the movie. But the director achieved the seemingly impossible when he made a movie featuring Angelina Jolie that I couldn't care less about. Simon West, you suck!!! You should probably take up an alternate profession as a used-car salesman in Detroit. The world (minus Detroit, of course) would be much better off.....


There are a few more movies and directors that make the cut, but the strong emotions evoked by Mr. West amongst the judges of the "I-suck-as-a-director" contest make it unnecessary to even consider other candidates. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner. Please put your hands together for Simon West. Mr. West, you really suck!! (thunderous applause)... well, that's all for now... see y'all in a bit (unless I slip into a coma watching one of Mr West's masterpieces) ... until later.. cheers... 8-)